An open letter about my depression

Dear people of social media,

As I scroll through my feed I smile looking at all of the graduation announcements, wedding photos, and baby birthday parties. But today it made me sit and look back at my last four years.

Year 1: I graduated high school and walked as one of the valedictorians with many scholarships to attend University , I then found myself walking down the aisle of my fathers funeral that winter.

Year 2: I was the head coach of a kids swim team, I got a tattoo, classes flew by, I kept myself as busy as possible.

Year 3: Depression and anxiety hit, my grades tanked, I stopped actively participating in life, I was miserable.

Year 4: I found help, tried 10 different medications along with counseling over the course of a semester, spent countless nights sick,and yet I am still more hopeful than ever before. No, I will not be graduting in the Spring but I will eventually. No, I am not a teacher yet but I will be eventually. No, I am not happy yet but I will eventually be.

These past few months have been hard but they were nothing compared to trying to handle this alone. Too many people hide from their mental illnesses due to the stigma that surrounds the topic. I am no longer one of those people. Thank you to everyone who has been there to help me particularly my mom, sister and *cheers* new brother in law. To everyone else out there that is struggling with depression, I want to tell you it is so much harder trying to go through this alone than it is to get help. I love you all!

-confidenceiskey

August 19

Alright people of the Internet today is the day!

Its only noon and I feel like I am on top of the world. I love good days. Most of you know how precious good days can be when life seems to be dark for a while. Today is the day! I enrolled in my fall semester classes, looked up my book list and paid tuition today. For me this is a huge step. If you had asked me even yesterday, what my fall plans were I would deflect the question. I was on the verge of dropping out and being kicked out of my university.But today is the day! I have kicked todays butt and its only noon. I am continuing with my college degree. I am starting my fourth year of college with hopefully only 2 more years to go. I realized though that no matter how long I take I will reach my goal of being a teacher. It might take me a little longer than most people and I might have a lot of struggles along the way but I will get there. I am crushing today.

So update on the rest of my life, Im sorry that i have been so flaky on here. Its hard to find the motivation to post on here when I don’t even feel like getting out of bed. I think I am going to find another job. I have only ever had lifeguarding jobs and I think its time to expand my horizons. I turn 21 here in a few months and would love to become a server or a bar back with hopes of eventually becoming a bartender. I think it would really help with my socialization that I struggle with due to anxiety. Plus you get to make tips from drunk people all night, who doesn’t love that? I am taking 5 classes this fall and will only be working as a lifeguard on the weekends so I think I can find the time to pick up another job. I find its best to keep busy int eh winter months or I will start to slip in to a deep depression again.

Time for the update on boys! I went on a date with Z again, the one from the wedding and picnic dates! It started off really well….we went and explored an old ghost town, got lunch, went for a walk by the river, got tea and finished it off with dinner at sunset out by a small lake where we were the only people. We went bak to his house after wards and I started to not feel well, so upon standing up to get dressed I proceeded to throw up red smoothie all over his white carpet. It looked like a crime scene. He handled it like a champ, cleaned it up super fast, and then took me home. He even called me, not texted called, me the next morning to make sure I was feeling better. He offered to bring me a the new Harry Potter book and a coffee. He seems like a keeper so far!

My best friend has been out of town for the week and out of cell phone service too so I have been a bit lonely but I think she will appreciate the daily phone calls of me just talking about random topics. She gets back on Sunday though so I think I will see her then and gossip for hours.

Well thats about it for the updates of whats going on in my life right now. Remember today is the day!

-confidenceiskey2016