I will never Nanny again and here’s why

So like many in college I have worked off an on as a nanny for the last four years, nothing too crazy just babysitting regularly for a few different families. A few months ago I started working for a coworker of mine (I am a lifeguard as well). Everything was perfectly normal; super cute kids, husky puppy and paid well. The father and I were the ones who knew each other from the pool however we have only shared a few shifts and rarely spoke. The father was about 40, with the kids around 3 and 14, and a wife I have only met a few times.

Yesterday he asked me to watch the kids for a few hours while he was going to a guys night. Seemingly a normal request I agree to go over around 9 and plan to stay until about midnight or so. I arrive and find out that the wife is out of town on a business trip for the week but I don’t think anything of it. The night starts off uneventful. I put the little one to sleep, and the older son watches tv before bed.  Eventually the kids are asleep while the puppy and I lay on the couch in my sweatpants reading.

12 o’clock rolls around and the dad arrives back at the house obviously still intoxicated. I ask about his night while I gather my things and grab my jacket. He respond by saying he wants to make out with me. Continuing he goes on to say that he is attracted to me and if he didn’t have two kids he would try make out with me right then and complimenting my body. In a rush I gather my things and proceed to run out the door. I HAVE LOST MY FAITH IN HUMANITY!

No he was not aggressive, and no i didn’t feel threatened. But it was the matter of the fact that he hit on me. My coworker, and the father to the kids I watch blatantly hit on me with no regard to his wife or consideration of my emotions. You hear about the nanny and the dad getting together stories in my movies but I never thought I could be in the same situation. I refuse to return to the house and am absolutely pissed off that this is what the world has come to vowing never to babysit again.

To everyone reading this never ever hit on the nanny, it’s mortifying and unwelcome, also yes I will be telling his wife.

To My Future Husband

Dear future Husband/Wife…

I am not sure if I have met you yet but I already love you. I will be there with you and stand by your side through your darkest of days. We will celebrate our joys and avenge each others losses together. I can’t wait for the countless comfortable nights sleeping beside you, and the sleepy morning face of innocence that is heartmelting to wake up to. I want the type of relationship where there is no filter, no conversation that is off limits and no thought too random to be said aloud between us. I vow to be there for you through any mental disorder or medical emergency and fight for your health every step of the way. We may not always be close in distance but know that you are loved. I vow that one day I will love you unconditionally. You will never have to feel alone.

Until this all gets to be our reality you have to keep fighting. Fighting every day to continue living knowing that one day we will fight together. You are doing great at life and I am excited to show off all of your amazing accomplishments. You are a beautiful and kind human being. Keep going and live the life that makes you happy. When fate thinks we are ready we will find each other and then the next chapter will begin.

I love you already my dear future someone.

-confidenceiskey

An open letter about my depression

Dear people of social media,

As I scroll through my feed I smile looking at all of the graduation announcements, wedding photos, and baby birthday parties. But today it made me sit and look back at my last four years.

Year 1: I graduated high school and walked as one of the valedictorians with many scholarships to attend University , I then found myself walking down the aisle of my fathers funeral that winter.

Year 2: I was the head coach of a kids swim team, I got a tattoo, classes flew by, I kept myself as busy as possible.

Year 3: Depression and anxiety hit, my grades tanked, I stopped actively participating in life, I was miserable.

Year 4: I found help, tried 10 different medications along with counseling over the course of a semester, spent countless nights sick,and yet I am still more hopeful than ever before. No, I will not be graduting in the Spring but I will eventually. No, I am not a teacher yet but I will be eventually. No, I am not happy yet but I will eventually be.

These past few months have been hard but they were nothing compared to trying to handle this alone. Too many people hide from their mental illnesses due to the stigma that surrounds the topic. I am no longer one of those people. Thank you to everyone who has been there to help me particularly my mom, sister and *cheers* new brother in law. To everyone else out there that is struggling with depression, I want to tell you it is so much harder trying to go through this alone than it is to get help. I love you all!

-confidenceiskey

F*** this

Well it’s only 10:00am on Friday morning and I am so done with today. F*** everyone and everything. I am failing out of college, my depression is making me go crazy, the guy I am in love with wont talk to me and my car is back in the shop, F*** today. My country voted for an acceptable president and the system gave us a sexiest a**hat. I am a female in science who has been told “the education seminar is across the hall” when walking in to a classical mechanics of physics class. The car mechanic is a dipshit who ruined my car while at the same time speaking to me like I am a five year old. The front desk guy hits on me whenever I walk in.

Sometimes life likes to test us. Today I woke up, looked at my life and said “F*** all of you haters. F*** it all. I don’t give a F*** anymore about what people think” So I am going to lay in my bed, eat a god damn cinnamon roll and cuddle with my cat.

Happy F*cking Friday everyone!

New Moon and New Hope

As I sat on my couch and watched out the window this morning with my tea in hand I felt an odd sense of displacement. I have done this same morning routine for a while now. Routines where I just flow through my day with out really experiencing it. Some days even a routine is too hard for me to handle and I lay in bed with my thoughts racing through my head. As I sit on my couch again tonight and watch as the other college students are celebrating this Wednesday for some reason or another, all I can think about is the movie New Moon, the one from the twilight series. I never really understood or connected with the movie as much as I do sitting here right now. The day to day tasks might get done and some basic contact with the outside world occurs but ultimately its just you alone with your thoughts watching the seasons go by. Your peers in the beginning are trying their best to hold tight to your connection with reality but after a while their strength, their persistence fades and you start to drift. Your family doesn’t know how to help but they hate to see you in pain and hate even more to see you emotionless. The days get dark and sleepy but then there is a light in the distance. You meet a person, or reach out to a friend, or talk with a doctor. You finally get a glimmer, a whisper of hope. Hope that came when it was most needed in time. Thats the intriguing thing about time, this is all temporary. The emotions you feel, the thoughts you are having, they are temporary. So when as I am sitting on the couch in a dark moment I try to remember that this is temporary and that soon the hope will come back, doing that makes the day a little easier to handle.

I did it

Today I went to my college health center I was formally diagnosed with depression. I was not surprised but there is something so terrifying about having a doctor come in and confirm it. To be honest I broke down crying in the doctors office but they were all so sweet about my situation, my past and the fact that I was blubbering in the hallway. The stigma surrounding mental health is ridiculous. I walked in there today afraid of being called crazy or worse having them tell me that this was all just in my head. They were so helpful and kind. All of them from the front desk to the doctor himself seemed to genuinely care if I was okay. They spoke to me calmly and not as if I was a lunatic on the street, they realized that my emotions were real and I was heard. For those of you reading this I want you to know that its an overwhelming feeling knowing that I just took a huge step in getting better today. I have been fighting with depression and anxiety for over a year. So much so that I almost failed out of college after maintaining a 3.2gpa as a double science major. I am not proud of how long I struggled with this before I admitted to needing help. But I am glad that that day was today. Today I made a huge step. I am moving in the right direction of my goals and to finding even more happiness. Going and talking about my mental health was the best thing I could have done today.

I set up new goals for the remainder of the month and I am going to let all of you in on the secret of what they are. I will take my meds as directed. I will not use marijuana or alcohol until October first so I can see how my body is reacting. I will make it 75% of my classes and work. I will eat well and work out every day. It has been said that it takes 21 days to create a habit. I hope these are habits that I keep and goals that I achieve.

For those of you who read this posting and feel like you could benefit from talking with a medical professional, do it. All it takes is just one appointment. Your happiness is well worth it.

-Confidenceiskey2016

August 19

Alright people of the Internet today is the day!

Its only noon and I feel like I am on top of the world. I love good days. Most of you know how precious good days can be when life seems to be dark for a while. Today is the day! I enrolled in my fall semester classes, looked up my book list and paid tuition today. For me this is a huge step. If you had asked me even yesterday, what my fall plans were I would deflect the question. I was on the verge of dropping out and being kicked out of my university.But today is the day! I have kicked todays butt and its only noon. I am continuing with my college degree. I am starting my fourth year of college with hopefully only 2 more years to go. I realized though that no matter how long I take I will reach my goal of being a teacher. It might take me a little longer than most people and I might have a lot of struggles along the way but I will get there. I am crushing today.

So update on the rest of my life, Im sorry that i have been so flaky on here. Its hard to find the motivation to post on here when I don’t even feel like getting out of bed. I think I am going to find another job. I have only ever had lifeguarding jobs and I think its time to expand my horizons. I turn 21 here in a few months and would love to become a server or a bar back with hopes of eventually becoming a bartender. I think it would really help with my socialization that I struggle with due to anxiety. Plus you get to make tips from drunk people all night, who doesn’t love that? I am taking 5 classes this fall and will only be working as a lifeguard on the weekends so I think I can find the time to pick up another job. I find its best to keep busy int eh winter months or I will start to slip in to a deep depression again.

Time for the update on boys! I went on a date with Z again, the one from the wedding and picnic dates! It started off really well….we went and explored an old ghost town, got lunch, went for a walk by the river, got tea and finished it off with dinner at sunset out by a small lake where we were the only people. We went bak to his house after wards and I started to not feel well, so upon standing up to get dressed I proceeded to throw up red smoothie all over his white carpet. It looked like a crime scene. He handled it like a champ, cleaned it up super fast, and then took me home. He even called me, not texted called, me the next morning to make sure I was feeling better. He offered to bring me a the new Harry Potter book and a coffee. He seems like a keeper so far!

My best friend has been out of town for the week and out of cell phone service too so I have been a bit lonely but I think she will appreciate the daily phone calls of me just talking about random topics. She gets back on Sunday though so I think I will see her then and gossip for hours.

Well thats about it for the updates of whats going on in my life right now. Remember today is the day!

-confidenceiskey2016