Dear future Husband/Wife…
I am not sure if I have met you yet but I already love you. I will be there with you and stand by your side through your darkest of days. We will celebrate our joys and avenge each others losses together. I can’t wait for the countless comfortable nights sleeping beside you, and the sleepy morning face of innocence that is heartmelting to wake up to. I want the type of relationship where there is no filter, no conversation that is off limits and no thought too random to be said aloud between us. I vow to be there for you through any mental disorder or medical emergency and fight for your health every step of the way. We may not always be close in distance but know that you are loved. I vow that one day I will love you unconditionally. You will never have to feel alone.
Until this all gets to be our reality you have to keep fighting. Fighting every day to continue living knowing that one day we will fight together. You are doing great at life and I am excited to show off all of your amazing accomplishments. You are a beautiful and kind human being. Keep going and live the life that makes you happy. When fate thinks we are ready we will find each other and then the next chapter will begin.
I love you already my dear future someone.
Today I went to my college health center I was formally diagnosed with depression. I was not surprised but there is something so terrifying about having a doctor come in and confirm it. To be honest I broke down crying in the doctors office but they were all so sweet about my situation, my past and the fact that I was blubbering in the hallway. The stigma surrounding mental health is ridiculous. I walked in there today afraid of being called crazy or worse having them tell me that this was all just in my head. They were so helpful and kind. All of them from the front desk to the doctor himself seemed to genuinely care if I was okay. They spoke to me calmly and not as if I was a lunatic on the street, they realized that my emotions were real and I was heard. For those of you reading this I want you to know that its an overwhelming feeling knowing that I just took a huge step in getting better today. I have been fighting with depression and anxiety for over a year. So much so that I almost failed out of college after maintaining a 3.2gpa as a double science major. I am not proud of how long I struggled with this before I admitted to needing help. But I am glad that that day was today. Today I made a huge step. I am moving in the right direction of my goals and to finding even more happiness. Going and talking about my mental health was the best thing I could have done today.
I set up new goals for the remainder of the month and I am going to let all of you in on the secret of what they are. I will take my meds as directed. I will not use marijuana or alcohol until October first so I can see how my body is reacting. I will make it 75% of my classes and work. I will eat well and work out every day. It has been said that it takes 21 days to create a habit. I hope these are habits that I keep and goals that I achieve.
For those of you who read this posting and feel like you could benefit from talking with a medical professional, do it. All it takes is just one appointment. Your happiness is well worth it.
This is my first blog so I am not exactly sure how to do all of this, please bear with me. I am making this site to help me conquer the month of August 2016. Since no one knows me on here I am going to be really honest with my goals and my journey. I am currently 20 years old and am completely lost in life.
I struggle with depression. I am not in counseling at the moment but I am going to go back to it this fall. That is a promise to myself. Over the last year I have found myself at a low point in my life. I sit here and look back over the last year as if its a year that happened to someone else. Detached from life I need a new start. So, here I am. I am going to post on here every single day for at least the next month. This will serve as a dairy, a sounding board and a way to hold me publicly responsible for my actions.
I guess I should share some background information as to how I got to this point. I have finished three years at a university only to be on academic probation and not know at all who I am. I know that my end goal for academia is to be a teacher, however that might take me a little longer than I had originally thought. I work part time at a local pool and hike in my free time but am not close with many people in this city. I struggle with putting down roots and making connections. My weight has fluctuated over 40lbs with no good healthy habits. My relationship skills are nonexistent so keeping anything more than friends with benefits is hard for me.
This month I have set a lot of goals for myself. I will stick to a workout routine. I will make more time for my family. I will file an academic appeal as well as sign up for classes in the fall. I will make time for my happiness. I will make this month memorable. This month will be hard but I know that I can do this.