To My Future Husband

Dear future Husband/Wife…

I am not sure if I have met you yet but I already love you. I will be there with you and stand by your side through your darkest of days. We will celebrate our joys and avenge each others losses together. I can’t wait for the countless comfortable nights sleeping beside you, and the sleepy morning face of innocence that is heartmelting to wake up to. I want the type of relationship where there is no filter, no conversation that is off limits and no thought too random to be said aloud between us. I vow to be there for you through any mental disorder or medical emergency and fight for your health every step of the way. We may not always be close in distance but know that you are loved. I vow that one day I will love you unconditionally. You will never have to feel alone.

Until this all gets to be our reality you have to keep fighting. Fighting every day to continue living knowing that one day we will fight together. You are doing great at life and I am excited to show off all of your amazing accomplishments. You are a beautiful and kind human being. Keep going and live the life that makes you happy. When fate thinks we are ready we will find each other and then the next chapter will begin.

I love you already my dear future someone.

-confidenceiskey

An open letter about my depression

Dear people of social media,

As I scroll through my feed I smile looking at all of the graduation announcements, wedding photos, and baby birthday parties. But today it made me sit and look back at my last four years.

Year 1: I graduated high school and walked as one of the valedictorians with many scholarships to attend University , I then found myself walking down the aisle of my fathers funeral that winter.

Year 2: I was the head coach of a kids swim team, I got a tattoo, classes flew by, I kept myself as busy as possible.

Year 3: Depression and anxiety hit, my grades tanked, I stopped actively participating in life, I was miserable.

Year 4: I found help, tried 10 different medications along with counseling over the course of a semester, spent countless nights sick,and yet I am still more hopeful than ever before. No, I will not be graduting in the Spring but I will eventually. No, I am not a teacher yet but I will be eventually. No, I am not happy yet but I will eventually be.

These past few months have been hard but they were nothing compared to trying to handle this alone. Too many people hide from their mental illnesses due to the stigma that surrounds the topic. I am no longer one of those people. Thank you to everyone who has been there to help me particularly my mom, sister and *cheers* new brother in law. To everyone else out there that is struggling with depression, I want to tell you it is so much harder trying to go through this alone than it is to get help. I love you all!

-confidenceiskey

August 19

Alright people of the Internet today is the day!

Its only noon and I feel like I am on top of the world. I love good days. Most of you know how precious good days can be when life seems to be dark for a while. Today is the day! I enrolled in my fall semester classes, looked up my book list and paid tuition today. For me this is a huge step. If you had asked me even yesterday, what my fall plans were I would deflect the question. I was on the verge of dropping out and being kicked out of my university.But today is the day! I have kicked todays butt and its only noon. I am continuing with my college degree. I am starting my fourth year of college with hopefully only 2 more years to go. I realized though that no matter how long I take I will reach my goal of being a teacher. It might take me a little longer than most people and I might have a lot of struggles along the way but I will get there. I am crushing today.

So update on the rest of my life, Im sorry that i have been so flaky on here. Its hard to find the motivation to post on here when I don’t even feel like getting out of bed. I think I am going to find another job. I have only ever had lifeguarding jobs and I think its time to expand my horizons. I turn 21 here in a few months and would love to become a server or a bar back with hopes of eventually becoming a bartender. I think it would really help with my socialization that I struggle with due to anxiety. Plus you get to make tips from drunk people all night, who doesn’t love that? I am taking 5 classes this fall and will only be working as a lifeguard on the weekends so I think I can find the time to pick up another job. I find its best to keep busy int eh winter months or I will start to slip in to a deep depression again.

Time for the update on boys! I went on a date with Z again, the one from the wedding and picnic dates! It started off really well….we went and explored an old ghost town, got lunch, went for a walk by the river, got tea and finished it off with dinner at sunset out by a small lake where we were the only people. We went bak to his house after wards and I started to not feel well, so upon standing up to get dressed I proceeded to throw up red smoothie all over his white carpet. It looked like a crime scene. He handled it like a champ, cleaned it up super fast, and then took me home. He even called me, not texted called, me the next morning to make sure I was feeling better. He offered to bring me a the new Harry Potter book and a coffee. He seems like a keeper so far!

My best friend has been out of town for the week and out of cell phone service too so I have been a bit lonely but I think she will appreciate the daily phone calls of me just talking about random topics. She gets back on Sunday though so I think I will see her then and gossip for hours.

Well thats about it for the updates of whats going on in my life right now. Remember today is the day!

-confidenceiskey2016

August 8

Hey everybody Happy Monday! Its noon here and I have already accomplished the world today. I went to work for a few hours this morning and then started the cleaning process of my apartment. I live with 2 other girls at the moment and another one is set to move in next week. So we are now going through and deep cleaning and decluttering the apartment. I have gathered 2 full bags of garbage, and 2 more bags of items to donate. At this point my really gross roommate still has not talked to me in three days…I have never been happier! She is terrified of me after the stuff she tried to pull this weekend here. Still no new date planned with the one I went on a picnic with but I am hoping to see him before I go home to my moms house for a few days later this week. Tonight, however, I have work with a guy that I have been sleeping with occasionally for the last few months. I am looking forward for the work shift because there is a lot of downtime meaning a lot of secret comments or fleeting glances. For the rest of the day before my shift I know I should accomplish some planning for my next semester but I just cant bear to make this week start off on a bad foot by looking at it all. Instead I am going to lay in my hammock and watch Netflix while relaxing. So my fellow cyber people have a lovely Monday and I hope we both get laid tonight!

-confidenceiskey2016

 

August 3

Alright so today makes the third day in August. I know i missed yesterdays post so I am going to start with a recap of August 2. Yesterday I worked for most of the day and then completed my whole work out plan with my roommate. She and I are getting along well at this point but our other roommate is annoying me. She is a slob, like smelly room, dirty cat box, black sink disgusting. But back to my day…I went out to my best friend J’s house we hung out there and watched the dogs for a while so that was nice. It was just an off day though so I wasn’t really feeling connected to anyone.

Okay now on to August 3rd. Today so far has been going really well other than the beginning. I woke up to a dirty oven. This may not seem like a terrible thing but the roommate i mentioned before was supposed to clean it the night before, it obviously had not been touched. So at 5am before work I cleaned the oven. She then had the audacity to complain about the noise and say that she had already cleaned it. But whatever I hope she moves out soon anyways. So then I went to work. I got paid today, payed all of my monthly bills and still had some fun money left over. I am meeting up with an old friend from high school in a few minutes. She and I catch up every few months. Its one of those friendships that no matter how long its been you just pick up right where you left off and are still thick as thieves. I also have a date tonight. Its the fourth one with the same guy so I am nervous. We are going on a picnic dinner tonight at the park, I told him it was my favorite dinner place on the first date….he remembered. So overall a good day!

-ConfidenceIsKey2016