I did it

Today I went to my college health center I was formally diagnosed with depression. I was not surprised but there is something so terrifying about having a doctor come in and confirm it. To be honest I broke down crying in the doctors office but they were all so sweet about my situation, my past and the fact that I was blubbering in the hallway. The stigma surrounding mental health is ridiculous. I walked in there today afraid of being called crazy or worse having them tell me that this was all just in my head. They were so helpful and kind. All of them from the front desk to the doctor himself seemed to genuinely care if I was okay. They spoke to me calmly and not as if I was a lunatic on the street, they realized that my emotions were real and I was heard. For those of you reading this I want you to know that its an overwhelming feeling knowing that I just took a huge step in getting better today. I have been fighting with depression and anxiety for over a year. So much so that I almost failed out of college after maintaining a 3.2gpa as a double science major. I am not proud of how long I struggled with this before I admitted to needing help. But I am glad that that day was today. Today I made a huge step. I am moving in the right direction of my goals and to finding even more happiness. Going and talking about my mental health was the best thing I could have done today.

I set up new goals for the remainder of the month and I am going to let all of you in on the secret of what they are. I will take my meds as directed. I will not use marijuana or alcohol until October first so I can see how my body is reacting. I will make it 75% of my classes and work. I will eat well and work out every day. It has been said that it takes 21 days to create a habit. I hope these are habits that I keep and goals that I achieve.

For those of you who read this posting and feel like you could benefit from talking with a medical professional, do it. All it takes is just one appointment. Your happiness is well worth it.

-Confidenceiskey2016

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August 19

Alright people of the Internet today is the day!

Its only noon and I feel like I am on top of the world. I love good days. Most of you know how precious good days can be when life seems to be dark for a while. Today is the day! I enrolled in my fall semester classes, looked up my book list and paid tuition today. For me this is a huge step. If you had asked me even yesterday, what my fall plans were I would deflect the question. I was on the verge of dropping out and being kicked out of my university.But today is the day! I have kicked todays butt and its only noon. I am continuing with my college degree. I am starting my fourth year of college with hopefully only 2 more years to go. I realized though that no matter how long I take I will reach my goal of being a teacher. It might take me a little longer than most people and I might have a lot of struggles along the way but I will get there. I am crushing today.

So update on the rest of my life, Im sorry that i have been so flaky on here. Its hard to find the motivation to post on here when I don’t even feel like getting out of bed. I think I am going to find another job. I have only ever had lifeguarding jobs and I think its time to expand my horizons. I turn 21 here in a few months and would love to become a server or a bar back with hopes of eventually becoming a bartender. I think it would really help with my socialization that I struggle with due to anxiety. Plus you get to make tips from drunk people all night, who doesn’t love that? I am taking 5 classes this fall and will only be working as a lifeguard on the weekends so I think I can find the time to pick up another job. I find its best to keep busy int eh winter months or I will start to slip in to a deep depression again.

Time for the update on boys! I went on a date with Z again, the one from the wedding and picnic dates! It started off really well….we went and explored an old ghost town, got lunch, went for a walk by the river, got tea and finished it off with dinner at sunset out by a small lake where we were the only people. We went bak to his house after wards and I started to not feel well, so upon standing up to get dressed I proceeded to throw up red smoothie all over his white carpet. It looked like a crime scene. He handled it like a champ, cleaned it up super fast, and then took me home. He even called me, not texted called, me the next morning to make sure I was feeling better. He offered to bring me a the new Harry Potter book and a coffee. He seems like a keeper so far!

My best friend has been out of town for the week and out of cell phone service too so I have been a bit lonely but I think she will appreciate the daily phone calls of me just talking about random topics. She gets back on Sunday though so I think I will see her then and gossip for hours.

Well thats about it for the updates of whats going on in my life right now. Remember today is the day!

-confidenceiskey2016

August 10

Alright yall so today is Wednesday and I am conflicted with my emotions today. I work up at Z’s house (the one that I have gone on multiple dates with) but he seemed off this morning. I think he is starting to pick up on the vibe that I dont want to actually have an exclusive relationship at this point in my life. I dont think that I can be open and have a life with another person before I start to live mine. Ideally out of this situation with Z I just want someone to hangout with and have a good time with, no drama, no possibility of getting hurt.

I go home to my Mom’s house tomorrow and am staying there for a few days. I have such bad anxiety about going back. I dont want to have to see everyone that I grew up with . I dont want to have to lie about doing great in college when I am struggling every day. I grew up in a small town where everyone knew every detail of your life. I am expected to go to church on Sunday with the whole family, this is always my least favorite part of having to go home. I hate the looks of pity and judgement from the other people there. I have been told that I should be struck by lightning before after not attending for a year.

Well I am going to off and take a nap I think. Maybe I will wake up in a different mood….

-ConfidenceIsKey2016

August 8

Hey everybody Happy Monday! Its noon here and I have already accomplished the world today. I went to work for a few hours this morning and then started the cleaning process of my apartment. I live with 2 other girls at the moment and another one is set to move in next week. So we are now going through and deep cleaning and decluttering the apartment. I have gathered 2 full bags of garbage, and 2 more bags of items to donate. At this point my really gross roommate still has not talked to me in three days…I have never been happier! She is terrified of me after the stuff she tried to pull this weekend here. Still no new date planned with the one I went on a picnic with but I am hoping to see him before I go home to my moms house for a few days later this week. Tonight, however, I have work with a guy that I have been sleeping with occasionally for the last few months. I am looking forward for the work shift because there is a lot of downtime meaning a lot of secret comments or fleeting glances. For the rest of the day before my shift I know I should accomplish some planning for my next semester but I just cant bear to make this week start off on a bad foot by looking at it all. Instead I am going to lay in my hammock and watch Netflix while relaxing. So my fellow cyber people have a lovely Monday and I hope we both get laid tonight!

-confidenceiskey2016

 

August 4

Hey there random people!

So today is Thursday August 4th and to be honest I was a bit sleepy all day. I guess however that was due to the amazing date last night! We had a picnic dinner, he kicked my butt at card games but we went back to his place to attempt to watch a movie. I think we made it exactly 30minutes in to starting the movie before moving to the bedroom, no its not what you think, we just fell asleep. So I leave this morning and come to found out today that this guy I went on a 4th date with also went on a hiking date with a girl that I lived with my freshman year of college. That was awkward. To keep my mind busy I worked all day. I swam for a while so I figured I could skip the usual workout. I just wasn’t feeling it. Now I am sitting here on the couch in my fuzzy slippers with my cat laying next to me. I am generally asleep by now but my brother in law is coming into town tonight with 2 friends for a big car show. Emotionally today was a good day even if it was stressful at times. I am not really sure what else to write today, my mind is a little fuzzy. So I guess that is it for the night then.

-ConfidenceIsKey

August 3

Alright so today makes the third day in August. I know i missed yesterdays post so I am going to start with a recap of August 2. Yesterday I worked for most of the day and then completed my whole work out plan with my roommate. She and I are getting along well at this point but our other roommate is annoying me. She is a slob, like smelly room, dirty cat box, black sink disgusting. But back to my day…I went out to my best friend J’s house we hung out there and watched the dogs for a while so that was nice. It was just an off day though so I wasn’t really feeling connected to anyone.

Okay now on to August 3rd. Today so far has been going really well other than the beginning. I woke up to a dirty oven. This may not seem like a terrible thing but the roommate i mentioned before was supposed to clean it the night before, it obviously had not been touched. So at 5am before work I cleaned the oven. She then had the audacity to complain about the noise and say that she had already cleaned it. But whatever I hope she moves out soon anyways. So then I went to work. I got paid today, payed all of my monthly bills and still had some fun money left over. I am meeting up with an old friend from high school in a few minutes. She and I catch up every few months. Its one of those friendships that no matter how long its been you just pick up right where you left off and are still thick as thieves. I also have a date tonight. Its the fourth one with the same guy so I am nervous. We are going on a picnic dinner tonight at the park, I told him it was my favorite dinner place on the first date….he remembered. So overall a good day!

-ConfidenceIsKey2016

 

August 2016

Hi there,

This is my first blog so I am not exactly sure how to do all of this, please bear with me. I am making this site to help me conquer the month of August 2016. Since no one knows me on here I am going to be really honest with my goals and my journey. I am currently 20 years old and am completely lost in life.

I struggle with depression. I am not in counseling at the moment but I am going to go back to it this fall. That is a promise to myself. Over the last year I have found myself at a low point in my life. I sit here and look back over the last year as if its a year that happened to someone else. Detached from life I need a new start. So, here I am. I am going to post on here every single day for at least the next month. This will serve as a dairy, a sounding board and a way to hold me publicly responsible  for my actions.

I guess I should share some background information as to how I got to this point. I have finished three years at a university only to be on academic probation and not know at all who I am. I know that my end goal for academia is to be a teacher, however that might take me a little longer than I had originally thought. I work part time at a local pool and hike in my free time but am not close with many people in this city. I struggle with putting down roots and making connections. My weight has fluctuated over 40lbs with no good healthy habits.  My relationship skills are nonexistent  so keeping anything more than friends with benefits is hard for me.

This month I have set a lot of goals for myself. I will stick to a workout routine. I will make more time for my family. I will file an academic appeal as well as sign up for classes in the fall. I will make time for my happiness. I will make this month memorable. This month will be hard but I know that I can do this.

-ConfidenceIsKey2016