Alright yall so today is Wednesday and I am conflicted with my emotions today. I work up at Z’s house (the one that I have gone on multiple dates with) but he seemed off this morning. I think he is starting to pick up on the vibe that I dont want to actually have an exclusive relationship at this point in my life. I dont think that I can be open and have a life with another person before I start to live mine. Ideally out of this situation with Z I just want someone to hangout with and have a good time with, no drama, no possibility of getting hurt.
I go home to my Mom’s house tomorrow and am staying there for a few days. I have such bad anxiety about going back. I dont want to have to see everyone that I grew up with . I dont want to have to lie about doing great in college when I am struggling every day. I grew up in a small town where everyone knew every detail of your life. I am expected to go to church on Sunday with the whole family, this is always my least favorite part of having to go home. I hate the looks of pity and judgement from the other people there. I have been told that I should be struck by lightning before after not attending for a year.
Well I am going to off and take a nap I think. Maybe I will wake up in a different mood….